I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
so let's talk penis.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
