I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So apparently I’m into choking now
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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