my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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