Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
