If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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