Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
