Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
