i may or may not be watching the land before time
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
