wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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