I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
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we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You need a sexual gate keeper
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How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You are the jesus of drinking
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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