The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
