I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Randomize
