they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
