the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
