That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
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Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
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I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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