textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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