i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
