My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
