i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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