That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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