I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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