woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
