Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm really busy with my period
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