Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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