his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
This is my gift to your gina
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
