Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
