Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
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