It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
