I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
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At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
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I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life