i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
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Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
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Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?