it's too hot outside to masturbate.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.