just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket