so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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