I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
