I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
