Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Nicole vs. Life
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
