then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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