I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
