Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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