Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
