I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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