i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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