i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize