yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
