Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
