Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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