Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
