Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
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