So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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