So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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