Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
this will be a night to untag.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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