So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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