My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
