her facebook's as public as her vagina
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
