If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
