lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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