I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
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you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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