I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
