So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
