i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
