I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
