My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
